Find Your "Away"

Ok, I'll admit it: I love going to the grocery store. Yes, people are cringing at the thought of this chore. It can be frustrating to find the time, make the list, deal with the cart with the funky wheel that doesn't roll straight, and then groan when the checkout total comes up. However, I like it, and actually look forward to it. Why?

When I go to the grocery store, I am on my own time. I can walk through the aisles without anyone talking at me, asking me to do things for them, or telling me what I should be doing. I also look at grocery shopping as a mental challenge - I love looking through the sales and coupons to see if I can maximize my savings. It also lets me unleash some of my creativity and imagination in that I can explore exotic ingredients and wonder what I can make with these foods for my family. (Although, those exotic ingredients usually go unpurchased because I have a family of picky eaters, but hey, I can still imagine!) Plus, when I do purchase food to bring home, it makes me feel good that I am providing for the needs of my family. It gives me a place where I can get away from my home life that isn't work and give me some head space, even if it is only for an hour or so.

One thing experts across the board say when it comes to personal health and well-being is to find some time for "you". Everyone needs to find a place to get away from their lives every so often. Some people have the luxury of being able to take girls' weekends, mini vacations, or date nights. Perhaps it is setting aside time to exercise, meditate, or read a book that is their time "away" from life. Others don't have the luxury of time, girlfriends, or a family that lets them have a moment of peace. So everyone's version of what it takes to get away from the everyday stress and take time for themselves is different. Some people need dead silence, some take the opportunity to do something they have always wanted to do. Some are happy to just have nothing happening around them. It is important for our physical and mental health to get away from the constant stimulus and routine we are bombarded with every day and just recover for a bit.

My preferred "away", but I'll take what I can get!

So the takeaway from this is basically - find your "away", whatever it is, and embrace it. Even if your "away" isn't traditional, everyone needs the time to get some space and stimulate parts of themselves that they end up suppressing because they are just getting through the day-week-semester, etc. Even though my personal "away" can still have the potential to be stressful (rushing through the store with limited time, the checkout line is long and slow, or that darn cart with the funky wheel), it is still my time that I look forward to, and I usually feel better when I leave because I know that as soon as I get home, my phone will be ringing, my kids will likely be fighting with each other, and my husband will have a list of stuff he needs me to deal with before I've even hung up my keys. Determine what allows you to get some space and make sure you allow yourself to get "away" regularly.

Giving in or Giving up? Who's Happiness is Most Important?

Several posts ago, I wrote about the window in my massage room. I had taken down the blinds to put a window film on because I hated the dark, stuffiness of the room and wanted the warm, natural light. It was an instant hit with the office staff and several of my regular clients also commented on how nice it was because the room stayed light and bright even on some of our very frequent cloudy and rainy days, so it was a welcome change. I even started jokingly calling it the “Vitamin D Room” because it was a chance to lay and get a relaxing massage in the sun.  Changing the window was pretty radical - not only because I took a risk in altering the room, but also because massage therapy rooms are traditionally very dark, so people can close their eyes and simulate the conditions that one would go to sleep. I kind of liked the total out-of-the-box change - which for me is soooooo not normal. 

Unfortunately, not everyone agreed with me. I started getting rather bad reviews from new clients (including one review absolutely tearing apart everything about my practice and warning people to never patronize me because of the “blaring light streaming in through the window”), and since the service industry lives and dies by reviews, I felt I had no choice but to cover up the window. 

On a personal level, I was disappointed in losing my light. I felt like my mood was much improved with the brighter room, and I looked forward to coming in to work more. I was also disappointed that more people weren’t receptive to my “radical” idea that a massage therapy room could be bright and relaxing and my massage therapy skills outweighed the physical appearance of the room. However, on a professional level, it was a wake-up call and reminder that my personal preferences don’t really matter - what matters is the comfort of my clients. 

One thing I am noticing throughout our world right now is that everywhere - be it in running a business, patronizing a business, working for a business, interacting with people, schools, etc. - we tend to strongly push the agenda of what WE, personally want and expect, no matter how it effects others. 

I recently read a book by the Dalai Lama, and one thing that stuck out at me was his statements that every human, no matter what race, class, or socioeconomic level has but one desire - and that is to be happy. Whether for each individual happiness means wealth, peace, health, or a combination of a bunch of things, everybody wants the same thing.  Everyone wants to be happy and content, and when a person’s individual wants and needs are met, we are happy. So if that is what we want, who are we to deny that to another human being who wants the same thing? In the process of focusing on ourselves and what we want, we can’t be blind to the option that our desires could have a detriment to anything else. Or should we operate and go through life only focusing on ourselves?  

Many people do subscribe to the thought process that ‘whatever I want is the correct thing, and to hell with whatever anyone else wants’. Others are totally on the other side of the scale in that ‘my needs don’t matter at all, doing whatever everyone else wants makes me happy’. So how can you find that happy medium? How can you do what you want and what makes you happy without being a total doormat? I think that one way to find the middle ground is to look at the situation this way: What ultimately (not on the surface level) will bring me happiness and will my happiness cause any detriment to the desire of another person? 

As a business owner, those reviews brought me back to this. Even though my occupational category is in the “health care” field, ultimately I am in the service industry. My personal preferences can't take precedence over the preferences of the people I serve. If I expect them to come to me for their goals of health and relaxation, how can I accomplish those goals if they are uncomfortable? Some may call me a pushover for covering up my window - that I gave in to a bad review. However, I am preferring to look at that bad review as a window into the insight of my clients. I may not agree, but the greater good says that my preference might not be the best for the expectations of my clientele, and making my clients happy ultimately is what will make me happy. 

But just because I have decided to put my clientele’s needs above my own personal desires, doesn’t mean I have to totally give in to something I don’t want. In making a new curtain for the window, I used a fabric that cuts the light level while still not making it so dark that it looks like a cave, instead the room now has a cool blue glow. Will this work? Will my reviews change from here out? Maybe, and maybe not. Will my clients that liked the light be disappointed? Maybe, and maybe not. Will covering my window keep me from getting bad reviews? Absolutely not - you can’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try to provide excellent and professional service, there will still be things that pop up about the room that I have little to no control over. There will be mistakes made in the future, and I will always make decisions that not 100% of people agree with, but that is part of being human and a rant for another time. I feel like in this case I have found a compromise, so I don’t see it as giving up. So if we all subscribed to the thought that we know what we want and it is ok to go after what we want, but also consider how what we want affects not only another person but the overall greater good, how much different would this world be?

Self Care: You Have Permission To Stop.

Last week was what I call "Hell Week". Hell Week is simply the week that leads up to something big, in this case, the Special Holiday Performance at CPDW, the dance studio where I teach.  Hell Week is usually filled with a heavy mix of rushing to finish costume construction for all my students, keeping parents informed and reinforced on the weekend's schedule, coordinating who needs to be where, preparing to spend 48 hours locked in a theatre, and worry that the performance will go off without any problems. Add on top of that dealing with every day issues such as family, kids that still need to get to everything, husband's work needs, the approaching holidays, and oh yeah, my regular job. It is a week where I live off of daily lists of schedules to keep my brain straight, don't sleep well due to stress,  and drink a LOT of wine. (Yet, when it is all over, I gleefully look forward to preparing for the next one. Go figure.)

So one day last week, I did something very strange for me to do during one of the busiest weeks of the year - I went back to sleep. This week usually includes lots of late nights dealing with work and costumes that can't get done until the kids go to bed. That morning, oldest child had to be up half an hour earlier than usual, so after getting her sent off successfully, and after youngest child was securely sent off on the school bus, I went back to bed and slept for about 2 1/2 hours. After waking up, I felt amazing. My list was still there, and I was rapidly running out of time to get stuff done, but I felt so good, I didn't care. Usually when something comes up that sucks 2 1/2 hours out of the busiest week of the year, it doubles my stress, but when I woke up, I felt great - and realized that it was ok that I felt like that.

Also that week, I made a conscious decision not to ride our new exercise bike. Seems silly, but at the beginning of December, I realized that if I kept up with riding through the month, I could hit a milestone 200 rides by Christmas*. I had riding on my daily list of things to do this week, but early on, I realized that riding would stress me out too much if I either tried to squeeze it in, or if I skipped and left the unfinished checkmark on my list. So I flat out decided not to ride at all this week. And I felt good about that. Not about not exercising, but that allowed myself to remove something from my schedule without feeling guilty about it.

I haven't felt so unstressed about decisions in a long time. It has made me realize that stopping is a good thing. It is not easy. I'm the go-go-go type that always has so much going on, I never rest. Despite all the studies and research that say "take time for yourself", "calm your mind for a bit", "it's better for your overall well-being",  how often do we really do that? I know I don't. And if I do, I usually feel guilty about it because I'm not go-go-going, and that is what everyone expects of me, including what I expect of myself. So this Hell Week, I finally gave myself permission to stop.

Why has this concept escaped me for so long? Fear and guilt are the two things that spring to mind immediately. Fear that I won't get everything done, and guilt that I'm not working hard enough to to get everything done. However, looking back at the week - I did get the costumes done in plenty of time. (Enough time to actually repair a bunch when the first design failed). All the kids got where they needed to be, and the world kept turning. And I actually felt physically and mentally good about it. Maybe I really just did need the sleep. After Hell Week wraps up, I generally get sick - maybe my body saw this as an opportunity to ward off the inevitable illness that will hit me sometime in the next 2 weeks (So far, so good - knock on wood).

So from here on out - one of the reasons I'm writing this is to remind myself, come next Hell Week, or whenever, it is ok to stop and take time for myself. And for you - if you need to hear it, You have permission to stop. Whether it is a nap, a detour to a few quiet minutes at your favorite coffee shop, or a weather-permitting walk outside. No fear - it will get done. No guilt - you are not doing yourself any favors by destroying yourself. Nobody will think less of you. Take a little time for yourself because it is ok to stop.

*Update: one day later than planned, but I did it!

What Do We Have To Be Afraid Of?

I am a chronic procrastinator. I've done it since I was a kid. If I had a project or report that was due in a month, I'd be pulling an all-nighter to start it. My procrastination has spilled over into adulthood. Loading the dishwasher - doesn't happen until the tower of dishes in the sink is unbearable. Usually I always have an excuse such as "I'm too busy", "This isn't a priority right now", etc. Sometimes things I procrastinate on cause me to be annoyed, and other things have caused me major anxiety. So recently I've been taking a look at my procrastination to get to the root of why I do it so much. I've discovered I have poor time management skills and I'm a little lazy. I also shut down when I get frustrated, hoping that my defiance will fix the situation which never works. But I have discovered that a small part of my procrastination stems from an odd sense of fear.

I have a window in my massage room that faces the parking lot. I decided that I wanted to remove the blinds and put decorative contact paper on the window to allow more natural light through but keep the window not see-through so I purchased the window film - 5-6 years ago. Then it sat in my closet. Every so often I'd look at it and say "I really should do that project", but always found a reason not to - I didn't have time, I didn't have the right tools, cutting/measuring supplies, etc. Always had a reason.

Finally, the window had enough of my procrastination. I was pulling up the blinds and heard a 'CRACK' before the whole thing fell on my head. The blinds were unsalvageable, so I decided this was finally my opportunity to end the procrastination. As usual, I found excuses to not come in the next day - or the day after that. Suddenly, a new client scheduled a last-minute appointment. Now I was out of excuses and out of time. So I packed up every supply I could think of and went in early to fix the window. Turns out the project went really easily, took almost no time, and ended up looking amazing. The whole staff complimented the result and has been raving about how good it looks since then. Now I look at the window and think "What took me so long?"

So I started thinking about it. I decided that the big thing that was holding me back from doing the project was fear. I was afraid that: 1. I overestimated my skill level in being able to do it so I wouldn't be able to do it right, 2. The end result wouldn't look good and the building owner would be mad at me, or 3. My clients wouldn't like it. I was afraid of failing at the end result so I chose not to pursue it. But did I really have a reason to fear it? Would it have been the end of the world if the window treatment hadn't worked out? I could have found an alternative. I'm good at finding unconventional solutions, so why did I let something so simple stop me? I started thinking about other places that I procrastinate and realized that fear is a big driver. I will put off scheduling meetings because I am afraid I will say something wrong and make a fool of myself. I put off tasks that could potentially cause a conflict. Dishwasher - that's just laziness - I can't blame fear on everything. But why do I have these fears? Is it my personality? Do I have some sort of chemical imbalance? Is it that people have repeatedly told me throughout my life that I will most likely fail and I don't want to prove them right? Why am I afraid of seemingly small and trivial things?

I guess scientists have been studying fear forever and why people are afraid of things, so it is no answer that I can give. The only thing I can do is train myself to recognize when I am using fear as an excuse and try to make myself answer - is this something that really needs to be feared? Is this fear justified? Will there be real consequences if my fear comes true?

How different would our lives be if we didn't let stupid, unfounded fears stop us? The fear doesn't always show up as fear - it can show up and hide itself as lots of different things, so how do we know that our excuses are or aren't fear? Fear is so often portrayed as a weakness, I think people don't want to admit that they can be capable of being afraid. For me, I'm trying to start recognizing this pointless type of fear when I make excuses and trying to ask myself "why am I afraid of this" and "Seriously, what is the worst that can happen, and is that really so bad?" If I start to do this with my routine fears, I wonder if I'll be able to let this spill over into bigger things, and who knows where that can lead?

"Don't your hands get tired?"

One of the questions I get asked most frequently as a massage therapist is "how do you do massages all day and not have your hands get tired?" Well, I never really thought about it until recently. I was in hour 4 of a marathon 8-hour corporate massage day and the I-lost-count-ith person asked me this question. My usual response to this question is "proper training" and a joke then the question usually dies there. But what exactly is it about this proper training that lets me keep using my hands for so many hours at a time without getting tired? There are a few factors involved:

1. Muscles - the right ones
The 'proper training' I refer to means that in learning how to do the actual massage strokes and techniques I use, I have also learned the proper way to do those strokes and techniques. I've learned how to properly hold my hands, move my arms, how to apply pressure by using the right muscle groups and positions. You know how when you ask someone like your spouse to rub your shoulders and they squeeze for a few seconds then complain their hands hurt? That's because they are probably just using their fingers and top parts of the hands instead of the whole palm and forearm muscles - the fingers have smaller muscles than the palm of the hand, so they get tired more quickly. Learning how to use the proper larger muscles to do the work instead of the smaller hand muscles demonstrates how proper training in how to do things rather than trying to replicate what it looks like to do things can really make a difference.

2. Things aren't always as they seem

So hands aren't the only thing I actually use to do a massage. Yes, look at any massage video and it appears that hands are the only things being used, however in addition to using my hands, I also use something that can't be seen - gravity and my body weight. I use my hands to a point, but I also use what is called "Proper body mechanics" to press harder and apply deeper pressure without using my actual muscles and therefore not tiring myself out. Yet another benefit of proper training.

3. I have a past...
One thing in my past gives me an advantage to not getting tired doing massages that has nothing to do with proper training. I used to be a professional dancer, which although many people think isn't a big deal, as far as body conditioning and endurance goes, I qualified as an elite-level athlete. I was used to beating my body up with cardio and strength challenges for 12+ hours a day, so standing and using significantly less muscles for multiple hours is not a big deal because instinctively my body is used to a lot more.

4. Proper self care
After many years of beating myself up, massage may be "easy" on my body, but it isn't all easy. I'm significantly older and heavier than I was when I was dancing, plus even though I still teach dance, I am nowhere near keeping up with the cardio work that I used to do, so  I have to rely on other things to keep myself functioning well. Nobody can function in any way if they don't practice some levels of self care. I rest when I can, I massage myself and use heat on my hands when I've had a particularly long day. Massage has left my hands very sensitive especially to cold, so I own multiple pairs of gloves and almost always have a pair nearby to keep my hands safe and comfortable. I get massages myself when I can (not nearly enough - I know, but who follows their own advice?) and I rely on the amazing chiropractors/Applied Kinesiologists at Integrative Health Care Associates that I work with to keep me running. There is much more self care I should be practicing to make things even better, but for now, I'm hanging in there.

All in all, there is no one answer to "Why my hands don't get tired". (Although, they do - I'm human after all, but I know how to work with and through the fatigue and how to best treat it afterwards.) The only important thing to know about my hands and massage is that as a properly trained professional, my goal is to provide you with the best, most effective massage that I can give you - using whatever "tricks of the trade" I need to make that happen.

The Bare Minimum

We had a small winter storm this past weekend. Just some ice and snow that came overnight. That meant clearing off my car and the driveway before going to work that morning. My husband and I both had our cars in the driveway, but I only had time to clear my car's side of the driveway before I had to leave. So I did the bare minimum - I partially dug out my car and took off for work. My husband also had to go to a meeting that morning and left before I got home. By the time I returned, the sun was out and I noticed that before he had left, he had not cleared any of his side of the driveway - he just cleaned off his car and drove over the snow without clearing any more of the driveway. So I got out the shovel again and continued to clear the driveway as well as the sidewalk. That's when I noticed something.

The parts of the driveway that I had shoveled before I left had a much thinner layer of snow and ice, so when the sun came out everything that I had put a bare minimum into came up and cleared easily. The parts of the driveway that my husband hadn't cleared at all was still pretty thick, and even while working at it every few hours, the snow on that side of the driveway never really was able to be cleared, and ended up icing over and ultimately getting worse.

That morning, I had originally felt a little guilty about only doing the bare minimum in clearing the driveway and not doing a more thorough job at the time. However, I did what I needed to do at the time and later in the day I was, in a way, rewarded in that the driveway cleared more easily and completely, while the side where no effort was made was almost worse. Even though I didn't put out any huge effort, it still yielded better results than putting in no effort at all.

I thought about how that can also be applied to your health. Sometimes we want to make changes for ourself and we steer away because we may not see major results right away. Working out or dieting, or any type of life change or healing - if we don't see huge results, we tend to get frustrated and give up, then never want to try anything like it again. I'm guilty of it myself. I've often seen this in my massage practice. I've spoken to people and they tell me about pain they have and I suggest trying a massage, chiropractic work, or even simple lifestyle changes. I very often hear "Oh I tried that once. I still had the pain the next day, so that obviously didn't work so I'll probably won't ever try it again."

What people don't realize is that one small step is often not the cure, but the first step towards the cure. It can be frustrating to want to fix something so badly and not find that "magic wand" that fixes everything immediately. But instead of putting in any effort, the frustration leads to doing absolutely nothing.

The bare minimum can be seen as laziness or a cop out, but it can also be seen as a start. It isn't much, but something is better than nothing and may lead to better results down the road.  The hard part is getting the guts to do something, anything, to start or take a risk, even if it is only the bare minimum - then trusting that that may have started something, even if the results aren't seen instantly. I never thought the bare minimum of shoveling was much, but after seeing the long term difference between the bare minimum or nothing makes me wonder about how valuable the bare minimum might be. Where could the bare minimum ultimately lead if you do it?